Jesus H. Christ and I pulled into the parking lot of the Coors Amphitheatre (San Diego) at 7 am. We were lost and hung over from the night’s debauchery, but we were excited for our first day on the Warped Tour. Parks, the caretaker of the Smash San Diego crew, and Hatchet, the singer of Dive Bomber were waiting impatiently for us in their truck. Standing next to their vehicle was Beyo, the VP of Sales for Belligerent.

We were late, as usual, and it was a nightmare getting our credentials. The Warped Tour was a sprawling, tent-city full of band merch booths, clothing companies and food vendors that sprung up haphazardly as people jockeyed for the best position. There were also at least 10 stages of varying sizes and hundreds of bands playing daily.

We were on the road promoting Smash Magazine as we cut a deal with Warped to get us a booth on all Warped dates throughout California. We were there to spread the good word and expand the smash magazine fanbase as well as distribute the free Smash 2005 Summer Sampler, a compilation CD featuring 26 bands including Unwritten Law, Mower, Dive Bomber and Butane. The CD also included the hit single, “2 Fat 2 Fuck,” from Jesus and my band, Rap Bastardz.
But mostly, we were there to party. We had brought a portable stripper pole, and we had two dancers lined up to entertain the San Diego, Warped Tour crowd. Before long, things got really out of control. Two girls were making out on our booth’s table, exposing their breasts. Our dancers drew huge crowds as we continued to make a spectacle of ourselves. Before long, the cops showed up to shut us down. Luckily, Parks was able to convince them that we had nothing to do with the drunk, topless girls.

Jesus had brought a white lab coat, a stethoscope and a clipboard with a sign that read, “Free Breast Exams.” The doctor was in! I put on the lab coat and proceeded to fondle any willing girl who was 18 and over. We were drinking heavily, and it was getting late in the day before I realized that I hadn’t seen any bands. Beyo, Hatchet and I headed over to Mike’s Stage to see a kick-ass set by The Transplants, and we got in the pit for Avenged Sevenfold.

When we got back to the booth, officials from the Warped Tour were threatening to kick us out. They said that we had more complaints from our booth than any other booth on the tour. “Isn’t this a punk tour?” Parks asked them. “We’re totally down with what you guys are doing,” he replied, “But there are a lot of underage kids here, and their parents don’t like to see exotic dancers at an all-ages concert.” We managed to not get kicked out, but we had to take down the stripper pole.

Most of the vendors started packing up around sunset, and we didn’t understand why. We were still green to the whole process, so we thought we should stay until the end. That was a big mistake. They all knew that it was a long drive to the next venue, and we’d have to be up early to get a good spot. But we kept drinking in San Diego, and we were joined by some friends of ours, including Matt, the bass player from OPM.

This was the first day of a tour that got more crazy every as it went on. The five Warped Tour dates were a blur of drunken debauchery. We almost got in a fight in Ventura when Jesus played the whole Village People album in a redneck bar. Parks hit Beyo with a fart bomb in a strip club, clearing the whole place out. Parks later blamed a corndog for “food poisoning” when we was shitting and puking in the shower in Fresno.

We figured out halfway through the tour that we could turn half of our booth into a VIP lounge. We blocked it off completely from the public, had an ice chest, and an Aero bed so we could take turns sleeping off the hangovers.
All in all, it was a great trip. We handed managed to distribute over 10,000 copies of the magazine, over 7500 summer CD samplers, and made a ton of new friends. Luckily, it’s a year until the next event. We’re gonna need at least ten months to recover.