Red Light School District - Sex, Drugs, Lies. The True Story behind the band that changed a nation. (by Ian Shane Tyler)

It's a brisk winter night on the streets of the Red Light District in Amsterdam, singer/songwriter Ian Shane Tyler stumbles through a dark alley, where he proceeds to shoot up the last of his heroin behind a dumpster. He fumbles for the syringe in his jacket pocket, which is strewn with vomit, alcohol, and sexual fluids. A man and woman are walking down the alley, it's bassist Jason Parker, and his naked hooker. They head for the dumpster, where they meet Ian for the first time. The transsexual hooker, Brian Cantrell, also a guitarist, who Jason found just two blocks earlier, motions to Jason for the syringe. They all begin to shoot up behind the dumpster with Ian's syringe. The night becomes a drug induced sexual haze. Five hours pass. Police Officer Brett Bolton finds the three pale junkies covered in vomit and sexual fluids. Their eyes are bloodshot and Ian still has a syringe sticking out of his arm. He drags them to his police cruiser, and beats them mercilessly with his baton... for three hours... It's during this beating, that Ian notices Police Officer Bolton's impeccable sense of time and tempo. "Officer! Officer! STOP!!!" Ian shouts. "What is it! What is so important that you must stop me?" Brett asks in a sexually frustrated tone. "Did you just do a paradiddle on my back?" Ian asks.

From that point on a band was formed. The Junky, the Nymph, the Hooker, and the Police Officer. Soon after, they all moved to America and recording began for the first song, Good Luck Wishin'. Their producer thought the track was great, but it just needed something else... So they consulted NASA about launching a rocket into outer space for the intro of the song. NASA complied, and the launch went underway. Unfortunately, the XLR cable was not connected to the SM-57 microphone which was to be used to capture the low rumble noise of the rocket ship. So they had to launch another rocket. By the time the recording was finished, they had spent 6.5 billion US dollars to launch three rockets for the recorded sound on their intro. It was around that time the band turned down a 100 billion dollar offer from Atlantic Records. Instead the band invested and eventually bought the Halliburton corporation. A secret society was then formed with the mission to elect Captain Crunch into office. Captain Crunch would then wage war on the Republic of China and its leader, Count Chocula, who had a monopoly on the cornmeal market.

The American Nation was in tears when their leader Captain Crunch was made soggy by a terrorist milk bomb. The roofs of the mouths of an entire nation had become sore. One thing was clear, the American People wanted Justice! And there was only one band to do the Job, Red Light School District! Vice President Tony the Tiger sent orders directly to lead singer Ian Shane Tyler. The band was to go deep into enemy territory and set aflame to the terrorist milk fields. The band couldn't do it alone, they needed help. The obvious answer was to get help from The Killers. The Killers brought help from another band. Powerful and from the sea they were. It was, British Sea Power! Together, the three bands helped destroy the milk fields and the Evil Anderson Dairy Regime.

Red Light School District consists of:

Ian Shane Tyler (Vocals, Keyboard, Guitar)
Brian Cantrell (Guitar, Vocals)
Jason Parker (Bass, Vocals)
Brett Bolton (Drums, Synth)

Disclaimer:

None of us actually do heroin, or perform homosexual acts, nor is Brian a transsexual. No Cereal or Milk was hurt during the making of this story. No Comment on record deals. We opened for the Killers and British Sea Power on Oct 7th 2005 at the Hard Rock. The paradiddle is one of the basic building blocks (or rudiments) in drumming. Paradiddles are typically one of the first rudiments taught to beginning snare drum students and can later be applied to the whole drum set, especially during fills. SM-57 microphones would be a bad choice to record the low frequencies of a rocket ship. We are from Las Vegas, not Amsterdam. We are opening for Rooney at the Beauty Bar on April 28th. I met Brett at Tea centric and I met Brian and Jason at the Iowa Cafe. I apologize for the graphic nature of the first paragraph.

No political views were meant to be expressed in this story. We have no beef with Anderson Dairy, the Halliburton Corporation, the Republic of China, the Terrorist Milk Fields, or Post Cereals. Long live the queen. A Special thanks goes out to NASA, and Count Chocula.

http://www.redlightschooldistrict.com